As we speak, somebody is probably vacuuming the red carpet in perfect, symmetrical stripes (as all vacuuming should be) and I can barely sleep at night in anticipation of the winners and losers of Oscar Night. Sure, there are going to be trophies for a bunch of movies I’m not old enough to see, but clearly the purpose of the night is for determining the best (and worst) looks. The movies are a means to an end.

The best way to determine the future is to study the past, so journey with me to Oscars Past for a primer on where things have gone both right and terribly, terribly wrong…

We might as well start with a pleasant memory. A shiny, sleek-but-soft, tucked-behind-the-ear wins BIG in my book. And everybody else’s book too. This is what the Oscars were made for.

But for every Good Hair Day at the Oscars, a Bad Hair Day must balance it out. If only I could go back in time and smooth the halo of frizz around SJP with some Soft Hold Styling Cream. Definitely my first wish if I ever come across a genie lamp.

A low, loose chignon with a few soft tendrils framing the face—this is what winning looks like, people! This is how it is done!

I believe it was a line from Spiderman that sums up how I feel about this Oscar look: with great hairspray comes great responsibility. And I think we can see what happens when that responsibility goes hog wild.

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Listen, I get it. You haven’t eaten in three months, ladies. I understand the urge to hide an entire brioche loaf beneath your hair for post-Oscar snacking, but I plead with you to carry a large bag instead. I beg, actually.

Normally asymmetry ignites my nervous tick, but this hairstyle is soothing. Like a balm for the soul. Perfection.

Sing it with me: Oh beautiful for Jared’s locks, his ombre waves of mane. This hairstyle (perfectly unisex) is reason enough to hire him as my part-time manny.

As a person who feels strongly about producing enough volume—I don’t tease my hair, I relentlessly bully it—there is a delicate balance to be struck. Too much, JLo, too much.

And yes, even the mighty can fall. We shouldn’t judge ScarJo for the unfortunate accident that irreparably tangled a shoelace and an entire box of bobby pins into her hair right before an important event like the Oscars. We can only do our best to be there for her after it happens.

And finally, here he is, the man who has brought his hair gel A-game year after year after year without bringing home the win. Rumor has it, Leo has secured his Medium Hold place this year, but we’ll have to watch and see…

Good luck to all the nominees this year, and may the best hair win!